OFF THE RECORD #58

SA Racing - Things That May or May Not Happen in 2025!

Welcome to the Wacky World of SA Racing!

Brace yourself for a rollercoaster ride through the absurd, the outrageous, and the downright unbelievable in South African horse racing, where anything is possible. From TCO2 scandals and grandstanding racing officials to climate-conscious racehorses, naughty parties and novel fashion sponsorships for high-profile racing figures, nothing is off-limits in this wild year of racing escapades. Sit back, grab your binoculars (or a tinfoil hat), and prepare to laugh your way through a calendar packed with surprises that may or may not actually happen!

JANUARY:

A leaked police file shows the arrest in a roadblock of National Horseracing Authority CEO, Vee Moodley, on New Year’s Eve. Moodley tested positive for TC02 at 39 mmol/L, over the prescribed TC02 limit. He is granted parole, pleads not guilty on the grounds of victimisation and vows to increase the acceptable limit to 40 mmol/L. “I will level the playing fields,” says the red-faced NHA official.

The WSB Cape Met draws a huge crowd of fashionistas with its ‘Couture Unleashed’ theme. Presenter Vicky Minott is asked to set the tone with a colourful headpiece made of imported Chinese Long Beans and Buddha's Hand. In an unprecedented move, on-course host, Grant Knowles, tips a runner not trained by Brett and James Crawford. Race caller Alistair Cohen spots two scantily clad supermodels in the crowd, spends a minute too long adjusting his binoculars for optimum focus and forgets to call the Cape Flying Championship. Photographer Chase Liebenberg sings a rendition of Gé Korsten’s old hit song, “Liefling”, to select members of the media contingent.

A rice paddy mysteriously appears on the head of Gauteng-based racehorse owner, Mark Campbell. Asked for comment, Campbell says: “That Japanese doctor messed up my hair transplant!”

FEBRUARY:
Jehan Malherbe, former Chief Of Staff for the Slack family, is appointed as the new Stud Manager at Mauritzfontein. He replaces Mike Sharkey, who moves to the administrative office in Malherbe’s place.

NHA CEO, Vee Moodley, introduces ‘Blowback’, a flatulence control syrup for horses, trainers, jockeys and officials - mandatory on race days. The syrup is administered via a syringe (squirted into horses’ mouths) and a spoonful each given by a duty nurse to humans. “Climate change is a serious problem and we know that excess wind passed by animals and humans can hurt the ozone layer,” Moodley comments. The nurse arrives late at the first race meeting, which is delayed as a result.

MARCH:
The Highveld Autumn Feature Season is in full swing and trainer Mike de Kock raids with a few runners from De Kock Racing’s base at Summerveld. Having sold his Johannesburg home, Mike books accommodation at Arnold Hyde’s B&B in the South of Johannesburg. Hyde suffers an anxiety attack and books himself into a mental patient facility near Mulbarton.

A man resembling the late Markus Jooste is spotted in a branch of Tekkie Town in Stellenbosch. Tekkie Town founder, Braam van Huyssteen, dismisses the sighting as a conspiracy theory.

Ahead of the KZN Feature Season, tension flares up between the two racing operators. Hollywoodbets announces “The Duel At Dawn” between 4Racing’s Charles Savage and Greg Bortz of Cape Racing. The bout is planned for 1 April on South Africa’s North/South divide near the town of Orania. Both executives are allowed one weapon of choice and, in a stunning co-incidence, both pick Louis Vuitton manbags. Attorney Robert Bloomberg is appointed as referee. “We selected this unusual venue because it is right near the Divide, and everything in the town works,” comments Devin Heffer of Hollywoodbets.

APRIL:
Bloomberg is dismissed ahead of the “Duel At Dawn” due to his exorbitant fight fee. He is replaced by the National Regulator’s referee of choice, Paul O’Sullivan, who destroys credibility by planting a tracking device in Bortz’s G Wagon. Former Phumelela CEO, John Stuart is appointed as the presiding judge for the bout. He is thrown off a SAFAIR flight, en route, for shouting at the drinks attendant and misses the scheduled start.

4Racing launches “Journo-Rassic Park” adjacent to the parade ring at Turffontein, in time for Champions Day. Themed, “Where Racing Hacks Go To Die”, JRP features live fossils Robert Garner, Davey Mollett, Etienne Louw, Jack Milner and Charl Pretorius on display. The estimated collective age of these dinosaurs is estimated to be just below 1000 human years. “This is a part of our commitment to preserving racing’s rich history,” explains Colin Gordon, COO of 4Racing.

MAY:
NHA CEO, Vee Moodley, announces that jockey Rachel Venniker will no longer claim 1,5kg, but that all male jockeys will henceforth be subjected to claiming 1,5kg. “Rachel’s riding them all to sleep, so this is a measure to level the playing fields,” says Moodley.

4Racing’s on-course presenter, Johnny Geroudis, is head-hunted by the Santarama group as a bouncer for the relaunch of Mini-Land in Wemmer Pan, north of Turffontein.

JUNE:
Several foals are born three months prematurely at stud farms and breeders are baffled. The phenomenon is attributed to ‘severe climate change’ and philanthropist-come-medical-doctor Bill Gates is flown in from the US to advise breeders on a new artificial feed developed for mares. Gates and fellow-globalist, George Soros, buy all the farms in Robertson for research purposes.

JULY:

In the interest of inclusivity and nation-building, Gold Circle appoints a Zulu race caller for the 2025 Durban July. Umgeni Mayor, Chris Pappas, gives a welcoming address in Zulu. The MK Party’s Jacob Zuma dances for the capacity crowd to the tune of ‘Umshini Wami’ and invites everyone to sing along. Veteran racing scribe, Andrew Harrison, launches himself from the media bench on the top floor of the grandstand, and into the crowd.

On-course presenter Warren Lenferna tips an officially scratched horse, which ends up running and winning. “This is a very mysterious occurrence, we had protocols in place and we are not to blame,” says Gold Circle’s new assistant Clerk Of Scales, Michel Nairac. Hollywoodbets is keen to refund clients, but nobody took a bet on the winner!

AUGUST:+

Following the outbreak of Avian Influenza, the so-called ‘Bird Flu’, and in accordance with guidelines set by the World Health Organisation, NHA CEO Vee Moodley introduces bespoke and mandatory racing masks for horses. “As we know, Bird Flu can be passed from animals to humans. Although this is rare, we have to protect the industry.” The mask has been tested at the highest international levels, Moodley claims. (note: recent news reports suggest that Bird Flu could break out worldwide as early as February).

Joao Da Mata and Paulo Do Carmo import the first Portuguese-bred stallion to South Africa. Named “Eshpetada” he is a genetically identical replica of St Marc’s Basillica, cloned using artificial fertilisation as an experiment by trainer Aidan O’Brien during his pilgrimage from Lisbon to Santiago De Compostella in 2021. Astonishingly, one million shares in Eshpetada (POR) are sold for R5 per share, leading to a 100% take-up.

SEPTEMBER:
Gavin van Zyl applies for a re-issue of his jockey’s licence to become stable jockey to his son, Gareth. The NHA approves the application. Andrew Fortune, denied the same privilege, takes the NHA to the Constitutional Court. “We’ll throw some money at this. We won’t allow Fortune to ride again. He’s a bad tipster,” comments NHA Board member, Satch Mathen.

OCTOBER:
Ahead of the Cape summer season, trainer Justin Snaith appears in a television commercial for Botox distributor, Dermafrica. “Justin appeals especially to our target market of well-groomed polo players,” says James Creasy of the company’s Aesthetics Division. At more or less the same time, Cape Racing executive, Justin Vermaak, lands a sponsorship from Fresha, the shaped-eyebrow, microblading agency in Sea Point.

Dean Kannemeyer visits Klawervlei Stud on an open stallion day. During a stable go-round, he is briefly mistaken for William Longsword, and fed carrots by a group of adoring female trainers. The stud’s John Koster comments: “There is actually no resemblance. Dean is in a league all of his own!”

Photos are leaked of a “key-swapping” party held for wealthy racing fans in Atlantic Beach Estate. A female partygoer claims that a prominent racehorse owner asked her to put an apple in his mouth while whipping him with a ‘Cat ‘O Nine Tails’. Her social media posts go viral, and the owner suffers embarrassment. Party organisers move the event to Val de Vie in Paarl. “This is closer to Clandestine Central, with a more experienced crowd. There won’t be more secrets shared,” comments a spokesperson.

NOVEMBER:
Betway’s Jonathan Blumberg announces the theme for the 2025 Summer Cup as “Devastatingly Dapper” – inviting young, upwardly mobile professional men to strut their stuff, with their girlfriends in tow. Gabi Soma of 4Racing sees a business opportunity. He opens a Men’s Fashion Store in Melrose Arch and names it “Wainsteins”.

Pope Francis, on a visit to South Africa, invites a group of Turffontein trainers to a prayer meeting outside the Stipes Boardroom. Vee Moodley and several board members of the NHA join the meeting and, in what is described as a modern-day miracle, confess their sins. They are all baptised in the racecourse’s Khoi Pond.

DECEMBER:
Breeder Willempie “Boeta” Engelbrecht buys a wine farm near Franschoek. Upon inspecting a 1000-litre cask filled with Sauvignon Blanc, Engelbrecht slips and falls into the cask. With nobody around to throw him a rope, he is forced to drink the wine to save himself from drowning. He survives the ordeal.

Cape Racing stages the “Make South Africa Great Again” race day. Gary Player hosts US President, Donald J Trump, and Elon Musk, in a private suite at Kenilworth. The Western Cape’s riot control unit is summoned for a group of protestors at the Wetton Road gate. The uproarious cabal is led by Cape Premier, Alan Winde, dressed in a rainbow-coloured tutu; trainer Peter Wrensch, unemployed comedian Trevor Noah and musician Tony Ridgway, who performs his chart-topping ditty, “The Orange Blues”.

As 2025 draws to a close, one thing becomes abundantly clear: South African racing is a stage where the unexpected becomes the norm, and the absurd is simply part of the script. From comical controversies to jaw-dropping spectacles, the sport continues to surprise, entertain, and baffle in equal measure.

Whether these wild predictions come to fruition or remain figments of imagination, they remind us of the unique charm and resilience of SA racing. In a world where anything can happen, one thing is certain—there’s never a dull moment at the races. Here's to another year of outrageous twists and turns!

Disclaimer: The events and predictions outlined in this article are purely fictional and intended for entertainment purposes. The views and statements presented are those of the author and do not reflect the opinions or official positions of any organisations, entities, or individuals mentioned.

Images created by Grok AI on X.