Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You!
Bizarre Predictions for SA Racing in 2026
No crystal balls were consulted in the making of this forecast, only experience, institutional memory, and a healthy disregard for probability. Here is a month-by-month glimpse into what South African racing might, could, or absolutely should not expect in 2026. Any resemblance to real people, events or governance structures is, of course, entirely intentional.
JANUARY:
The worldwide political turmoil and strained relationships between South Africa and the United States continue, with a bearing on the racing industry.
US President Donald J Trump and his Secretary Of State, Marco Rubio, fly into Cape Town on a fact-finding mission. Air Force One is denied access to Cape Town International Airport and is forced to land on a private air strip near the Rupert Family’s Drakenstein Stud in Franschoek.
Johann Rupert offers the travelling party accommodation at Drakenstein’s guest quarters. He pops a few bottles of L’Ormarins Cuvee and instructs his staff to throw open the farm gates. During the course of the night, Rupert’s entire vintage car collection is professionally liberated from the Estate’s Motor Museum. Two horse thieves attempt to get their hands on One World and Charles Dickens, but are thankfully kicked into oblivion by the bucking stallions. President Trump and Secretary Of State Rubio, who slept with their doors open, are held up before dawn and relieved of their expensive watches, suits and shoes.
Airforce One takes off again, but the crew discovers that nuts, copper wiring and most of the electronic equipment below the flight deck had been dismantled and stolen. The plane performs an emergency landing on a private air strip near George, where Trump and Rubio are whisked away to spend the night at Ernie Els’ property in Herold’s Bay. Ernie stands watch himself and wards off further disaster by knocking three approaching house breakers unconscious with his sand wedge.
The travelling party jets out again, this time to Gary Player’s abode in Plettenberg Bay, where Trump challenges Gary to a push-up competition but suffers a severe bout of arythmia after his fifth push-up. Julius Malema and the EFF get wind of Trump’s visit and stage an operatic protest, chanting, ‘Kill The Yank, Kill The Fascist!’ On the second day, Malema’s cellphone explodes, taking an ear, and arm and a Rolex watch with it. Mossad takes full responsibility, but the disoriented demagogue blames Afriforum.
Before the last leg of his journey, Trump hires 4Racing’s Lyall Cooper as a golfing coach and challenges Player to a putting competition. But Gary finds his best form and defeats the restless President in a one-on-one contest, again.
En route back home, Airforce One does one final stopover, landing on a stretch of dirt road near Piketberg. Trump visits Moutonshoek Stud and feeds fresh Wisconsin carrots to their resident stallion, The United States. He promises to buy every forthcoming progeny of the well-performed sire at premium dollar from breeder, Bennie van der Merwe, on condition that all their names will contain the word, ‘Trump’.
FEBRUARY:
Race Coast’s Brandon Bailey buys Valentine’s Roses for Lucinda Woodruff. En route to the Milnerton Training Centre, the courier company makes an error and delivers the bouquet of flowers to Candice Bass. An aggrieved Aldo Domeyer summons a few of his acquaintances from Elsies Rivier to make a courtesy call and return the flowers to the smitten presenter.
Jockey Callan Murray visits his local barber for a long overdue haircut. The NHA, in conjunction with the NSPCA, formally adopts the massive heap of locks as suitable bedding for all the stables at Randjesfontein. In a post-race interview Lyall Cooper, seeing Murray’s new crew-cut hairstyle, welcomes him back to South Africa from Australia for the 27th time.
MARCH:
Race caller Alistair Cohen buys a share of sprinter Dance Variety from trainer Adam Marcus. Owner Robert Blomberg challenges Cohen to a match race with his own sprinter, The U S Of A. Cohen agrees, on condition that the race is held over 1150m. A date is set for early April, and the race is well publicised.
Race Coast’s Justin Vermaak books Liverpool football captain Virgil van Dijk as the main attraction for a Charity Dinner in the 1881 Room at HWB Kenilworth. The event is cancelled after Vermaak fails to sell a single ticket. “I honestly believed Virgil was still relevant,” laments a distraught Vermaak.
APRIL:
The U S of A goes 1,75-lengths clear after 1100m of his match race with Dance Variety. The Bloomberg runner folds like a deckchair over the final 50m, but hangs on to win in a desperately close photo finish. The result takes fully 15 minutes to be confirmed. Cohen objects, citing the ‘historic possibility of judges’ error’. Following a week of deliberation and witness from a group of forensic photo experts led by Paul O’Sullivan, the result is declared null and void and a dead-heat is announced. Bloomberg considers a second lawsuit in as many years against O’Sullivan and the NHA, but decides against it for a potential clash of interests.
MAY:
The Sporting Post announces a decision to publish the transcripts of the fierce online debates about a change of guard at the NHA between Susan Rowett, Greg Bortz, Basil Thomas, Patrick Duff and others, that raged on its website late in 2025. Seen as a preservation project for future generations, the information will be contained in a leather-bound compendium and will include a selection of previously unpublished mails and redacted files, initially rejected by The Sporting Post’s Executive Board of Censors for being too controversial. It will be titled, ‘The NHA Capture Files’, and is to be made available in selected book shops and as an e-book, online.
JUNE:
The Sporting Post fails to publish the ‘NHA Capture Files’ and editor Lance Benson notes, apologetically: “We couldn’t find a printing house with a binding machine big enough to carry the sheer volume of pages. To add to our aggravation, we also couldn’t find a server big enough to store this digital deluge of diatribe and legal jargon. Our software crashed!”
Greg Bortz awards the sponsorship of the Race Coast Winter Series to Joao Da Mata’s Glistian Events. As a part of the deal, Da Mata is appointed as an on-course anchor. “It’s Oversscadovars now. SA Racing is my oyster!” says Da Mata, who goes on to admit that his sights are set on Vee Moodley’s job.
JULY:
With no room left elsewhere on his body, approaching the 2026 HWB Durban July, jockey Craig Zackey gets his sponsors’ names tattooed on his cheeks – Wilgerbosdrift on the left cheek, Mauritzfontein on the right.
James Goodman becomes a Board Director for the Salvation Army. He grants interviews to the media and continues to do his tipping show from his bedroom at the SA’s Durban South Beach Chapter.
AUGUST:
Jonathan Snaith, in a strongly worded letter to 4Racing, submits his second demand for the firing of a certain racing scribe. 4Racing’s Management, citing freedom of speech values, rejects the demand. Snaith’s sentiments are noted, but kept Off The Record.
4Racing’s Shalandra Bunseelal tips a 200-1 outsider at the Vaal, and wins a ‘race for coffee’ with Vicky Lerena. Vicky fails to find coffee anywhere on the racecourse, and Shalandra has to settle for a can of ‘Klippies and Cola’ from a leading trainer’s colours bag.
SEPTEMBER:
Vee Moodley, CEO of the NHA, introduces the trial deployment of BUTT-ONOMOUS™, an asexual, fully autonomous compliance robot that replaces the human Clerk of Scales in the Jockeys Room at HWB Kenilworth. Programmed with zero ambiguity and zero tolerance, they require no sensitivity training, no workshops, and no legal counsel. Should any individual place an unauthorised hand where it does not belong, the BUTT-ONOMOUS™ robot responds instantly with a corrective slap. The Robot Slap, or “RPK”, is logged, time-stamped, and free of bias. Appeals are not entertained, no money is spent flying inquiry board members around the country, lessons are learned immediately and the slap is considered adequate punishment.
OCTOBER:
Vicky Minott completes a Master’s Degree in Equine Studies and is awarded an Honorary Doctorate for her groundbreaking Dissertation, “The Shorter The Cannon Bone, The Bigger The Upset”.
Dr Andreas Jacobs of Maine Chance Farms re-registers the stud’s stallion, Querari, under the name ‘Ke-Waari’. He comments: “Very few race presenters get the pronunciation right, so this is a gesture of kindness and assistance to them all.”
At a SGM (Special General Meeting) of the NHA, CEO Vee Moodley feigns larangytis to avoid giving proper answers to questions posed by Advocate Nigel Riley.
NOVEMBER:
Cape Town’s Zip-Zap Travelling Circus Academy hire Grant Knowles as their Ringmaster and appoint MJ Byleveld as the resident clown.
A meeting at HWB Kenilworth is cancelled due to a protest from the Race Coast Jockeys Association, who objects against the summer influx of international riders to Cape Town. “On the latest declaration sheet, not a single South African jockey has been given a ride - not even Richard Fourie,” says an aggravated CJA spokesman, Karl Neisius. The resident BUTT-ONOMOUS™ compliance robot gives Karl a ‘RPK’, a lecture on how to moderate his public speeches, and a massive NHA fine.
DECEMBER:
Hollywood Racing names a newly acquired colt, “Ngiyothanda Ukuvakasha iNingizimu Afrika Ngelinye Ilanga” (Zulu for ‘I'd Like To Visit South Africa One Day’), and send it into training at Summerveld. “When he runs at the Breeders’ Cup one day, we’ll get plenty of interest in his name like we did with Isivunguvungu. It’s great for our tourism industry,” explains Hollywood’s Devin Heffer. Race callers Craig and Sheldon Peters breathe fire, and notify Hollywood of their intention to object to the length of the name with the NHA.